I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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