Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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