And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
