We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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