i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
