i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
