I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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