I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
