I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
