Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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