I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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