college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Pants are for mortals
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
