im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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