I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
