I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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