my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
