A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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