he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
