i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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