im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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