Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
