proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
