Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
