Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
