apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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