Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
