toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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