And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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