Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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