Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
so much tequila, so little girl.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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