Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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