My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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