be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
