SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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