I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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