I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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