I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
