Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
