final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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