literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
