Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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