She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
