My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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