I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
