We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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