You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
