I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just invented taco cereal.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
