took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
