I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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