I'm gonna have a badass scar
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
