i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
