You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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