Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
