Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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