i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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