saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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