My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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